Tested, Tried, & True

I have been MIA and I apologize. The last two months of 2020  have been a series of ups and downs. A lot of things came to surface in my life that made me face reality/come to terms with a lot of things, things that I have been avoiding and things that I have thought about but never really took the time out to sort through… you know life lol. One thing I am pleased and excited about is that I started a business in July 2020, but made it official on my birthday ( November 20th) with the launch and putting  out my first product ( after reading this feel free to go purchase #shamlessplug) . The business aspect in itself was very nerve wrecking. I had no clue as to what I was doing, I was nervous about how to do taxes ( you don’t want to play with the IRS), how to market myself, I had doubts about if people would really support and buy my stuff, you know normal first time business problems. It was a big faith move, but all glory to God everything has been smooth and a learning process and  I have been able to catch on quickly. I have had people supporting me from family, friends and even strangers and I thank you guys for your support I can’t stress that enough. 

Now let’s get serious, one of the things that I had to come to terms with especially the last month and a half is that everything is in Gods timing. When I was in my 20’s I had my life planned out from love life, career, and finances, WELL! now I’m 30 I am not where I would like to be. I was dreading turning 30 because I felt behind in life and in my purpose. I had a couple of emotional breakdowns and felt hopeless… ready to give up . When I tell you life slapped me in the face, life slapped me in the face. I questioned God so many times What was wrong with me? What am I doing wrong? I was really hard on myself, and the Lord had to remind me that He already spoke, and whatever he says he will bring it to pass but in HIS TIME. It was hard to say that to myself and believe it because I really felt like God had forgotten about me and even felt like I was being punished. I had a decision to make, either I allow the enemy and my thoughts to torture me with negativity or I can remind myself of the promises already spoken for my life through God.

Seeing people being blessed with the desires of their hearts and God just moving for people in ways where I felt like I should have been blessed as well, I’m not going to lie I was in my feelings HEAVY!!! and I felt jealousy, envy and bitterness start to take root. My heart was starting become hard towards those getting blessed because I was allowing my emotions and how I feel be bigger than just being happy for them. Do you understand, with all of these different emotions if i did not nip it in the bud hate could have taken root, and now I would have given a space for the devil to reside? Once the devil has a place in your heart it’s going to be a fight to get back in right standing with God. I’m glad i took hold of my emotions, killed my flesh and realized what was taking place before it was able to take root and start to sprout.
It wasn’t until weeks later the thought of “I wonder if this is a test” came to mind. A test to see how will I react when those around me are being blessed with what I desire to have? Will I be Jealous? Will I be Covetous? Will I have Envy? Will I speak evil? Or will I be happy for them, pray for the best and share in their joy? God doesn’t want me to be negative towards them and covet what they have, he wants me to rejoice with them Romans 12:15.

It was hard for me to sit in rooms and hear conversations about new and exciting life changing things happening to those around me, especially things I thought I’d have by now. I’ve held back tears, many tears and put on my game face while on the inside I wanted to die. Now don’t get it twisted, I am happy to see people have their prayers answered and God move in others, but when you have expectations and high hopes but nothing comes out of it, it is very disheartening and you start to question yourself and doubt, fear, confusion and unbelief starts to creep in. The season I am in right now has been the most challenging by far. I feel like the season I am currently in is the season of “ Surrender”.

One Sunday my pastor was teaching on trusting God and it encouraged me because he said that trusting God means having unanswered questions. I have questioned God as to why things have yet to come to pass and why is it that people who are not walking in holiness or even trying to pursue Him like I was, was being blessed. My question was never answered but he gave me peace regardless of my question not being answered. In this current season God showed me that I had not fully trusted and given my full dependency in Christ. I have been trying to be the driver and put God in the passenger seat meanwhile, it should be the other way around. When you don’t trust God or believe that he will fulfill his word you try to be God and push Him aside as if he isn’t capable of doing what He said he would do. That was me.

My pastor also mentioned that it’s our attitude in the waiting season that determines when whatever it is we are waiting for will come. When I tell you that hit me in my gut, that woke me up on the inside. That goes hand in hand with what I mentioned in the beginning of how I felt when I heard or saw people get blessed or get something that I desired to have. Hearing that I knew that was a rebuked because even though externally you couldn’t see what was going on inside, internally I was a wave of emotions. If you can’t rejoice when people get blessed and be happy for them then what does that say about you? If you can’t have a pure heart and intentions when your enemy or a friend gets blessed with what your heart desires what does that say about you? Romans 12:15 says to Rejoice with those who rejoice ( sharing other’s joy), Galatians 5:22 speaks on the fruit of the spirit when they speak about patience in the AMP version is says “not the ability to wait, but how we act while waiting”.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not to your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

This season of Surrender has been an eye opener. When you fully surrender know that:

1) Its out of your hands/control.

2) If He spoke it He will bring it to pass and his word cannot come back void.

3) BE STILL, REST & Get in Gods Presence ( very important)

4) Things may not look like how you envisioned but God has it already figured out.

5)Do not be discouraged, continue to encourage yourself and recite the promises for your life.
6) You need to get rid of yourself …it’s not about you.

This might sound like basics 101, but when your in the moment and going through  it, all of these reminders will go out the window because your caught off guard , in the moment and in your feelings. 

• “Its ok to feel but don’t stay there.”

  I am happy to say that now I am in a good space where I am fully and truly surrendered and getting out of Gods way. He already knows the desires of my heart we have had endless talks about that so I need to rest and know that I am in the best hands ever. He has been faithful before and If I continue to let him lead and guide me and continue to spend more time with Him and less with my thoughts/emotions I know I will be alright! 

If you are feeling like the odd man out or that God has forgotten about you, He has not. Gods timing is always best and he knows what you can handle at this very moment. We may think we have all of our eggs in one basket and ready to receive the goodness and fullness, but as you are tested, stretched and tried you start to see areas where you need more growth or areas that you need deliverance. If God were to give us what we wanted when we wanted it I guarantee you we would have ruined Gods best for us. God has to know that whatever he gives to us he can trust us with it and not abuse it. I am still going through this process so we are in this together. I have to encourage myself daily and trust the process and the promise and let God be in control… sit back and go with flow, you wont regret it.

Stay encouraged loves

xoxo…Z.M <3